for you, roo (part two)

after overcoming the initial shock of everything that is bonnaroo, i felt something open up - i felt like i had jumped into a world completely separate from society, where all was music and nothing was unfriendly (except, perhaps, for the blazing hot sun). i had many hours to wander on my own, and to drink in the experience.

it looks small, but is in fact quite large. "which" stage, the second biggest venue.

real estate.

the view from inside the tent.

we sat in grass, and watched this beautiful rainbow appear in the sky. i grabbed my camera to snap a picture, and this guy whipped around to look at us with amazement. he sat down with us after this picture, and watched the rainbow for a long while.

for you, roo (part one)

last week, i drove to manchester, tennessee as a volunteer for the bonnaroo festival. a gathering of 80,000 people for four days... all in the name of music & summer. i went with two dear friends of mine - momo & bianca. they had gone the year before, and they let me join the ride this summer. i took many photos (though never as many as i wanted) & wrote some poems (always shorter than intended). i hope you enjoy them.

the drive from boston, massachsuetts to manchester, tennessee was a slow build of anticipation. watching the skies & the landscape change with every mile was exciting, but every hour we passed showed us how many we had left. 

we stopped overnight in baltimore - i sadly don't have any photos of bianca's beautiful apartment (we arrived very late in the night). the air was sweet & fragrant in maryland, and we had a little time to stroll through some of the loveliest parks i've seen. nestled in the corners and open spaces of apartment buildings, these gardens were lined with brick & covered in lights. one even had a small fountain. we fell asleep quickly & woke up at 6:30am to start our next day of driving.

so many biscuits, so much mashed potato... did you know that cracker barrel sells clothing? i never knew it before.

 thank you to momo's papa for lending us his car for the week! it served us very, very well. (we parked at a CVS to let me grab some more disposable cameras. the cashier asked us why we were in virginia... when i said we were on our way to bonnaroo, he grinned.)

we arrived in manchester around 9pm, bodies tired but eyes wide open - already hundreds of volunteers had pitched camp! it was rainy, the roads a mess of mud. we had our car checked, boots purchased & big sleepy smiles on our faces.

brushing teeth before bed.

the view from home in the daytime... our beacon flag put up by a neighbor.

the empty campsite across from us. it was filled with tents by the end of the day.

our beautiful tent that momo provided! known by our neighbors as the "holiday inn." our place for midday naps or crawling into at night after a full day of sun.

the sunset after our first day at bonnaroo. i took this from a neighbor's tent. they were a group of old friends from florida (though some now go to school in canada). they took me in when it started to rain. 

the eating area near our campground. this wall mural changed so many times - everyone writing over everyone else's words & images. (there has been some ill sentiment towards kanye - apparently he failed to show up on time last year, and offered no apology for it.)

the skies were a constant source of eye-candy for me... at every moment the clouds morphed and the colors stretched out further and further.

the real day began on thursday, where the festival would start. our first work shift, my first real day out in centeroo. i had no idea what i was in for. i thought that i could handle a big crowd of people - i mean, i live in a city! i was so wrong. i was shocked by the vast amount of beer cans, the sea of handbags, the thousands of smiling faces...

but i'll save that for another day.

until next time, my friends. there are many more images, but i'll give them to you in small doses - so you can savor them with me.

travels in the past

it's bittersweet when i see i photograph i don't remember taking. i would love to say that i remember every single moment that i capture, but i don't. and then i look and think really, really hard - sometimes a little fragment of experience comes back. like drawing out an old favorite shirt from the back of a cabinet. 

claudia in monaco, cuddling these gorgeous flowers outside the royal palace.

some off-street in paris. taken from the bus (so many of these are taken from our silly little tour bus).

our train ride from italy to france.

flying over the alps.

the beautiful boars head in florence - it's said if you touch his mouth, you'll return to florence.

the l'arc du triomphe (and a boy's face).

driving around from nice to monaco - look at the giant cruise liner!!

the french flag from outside of our hotel room in nice. how perfect that we received this room!

the street outside our hotel room. 

what's really on my mind

when i see huge crowds of people on the street or at that crazy huge supermarket in my town, i cluster them into one entity. i cram them all into one big piece of energy that i am not a part of, nor will ever be a part of. and i feel tremendous relief at not being a part of them - they run around aimlessly, always in a rush and never seeing a thing - but i also feel a great deal of sadness. because i want to be that ignorant, i want to have that wonderful ability to have purpose in the face of absolute pointlessness. i question everything all the time, i slow down to a snail's pace just to study shadows cast by a passing shopping cart. but all of these people, they rush about and they find other people who rush about just like them, they fall in love and make love and have children that continue rushing about for generations to come.

people rush by me all the time. sometimes, i like being completely unnoticed. sometimes, i really love the fact that the world and i are not on the same page. it gives me a sense of uniqueness, a feeling of some special brand of genius.

but other times, i could cry from all of those who pass me by. and with these (mostly unshed) tears comes the angry question of why i need the validation of others to make me feel okay. because i shouldn't, right?

the potential that i know i have nearly kills me from day to day. i keep thinking, "oh if the world could just give me a chance, i could be a wonderful filmmaker, i could be a fantastic travel and portrait photographer, i could be a brilliant writer and poet." but it all falls flat on my insecurity, on my youth, on my inexperience. and i want things to change and i want to change, and i've been taking steps to get there, but it's not happening fast enough, and i'm not seeing results that are satisfying enough.

i've made the jump, i'm going to school solely for art. i broke my parents' hearts by denying medical school and here i am, trying to do this thing. and i'm trying to love myself at the same time, and i broke my own heart this year because i fell in love with a stupid boy that couldn't love me when i wanted to be loved so badly. i realized that i needed to love myself first before anyone could really love me. truly love me. and because i'm having such a hard time loving myself, it breaks everything else down. how could i expect all of these people rushing by to love me when i cannot love myself? and there are some days that i love myself so much i could kiss my own reflection in the mirror. because on those days, i've done something to be proud of. i've done something that really showed me that i'm still good, that i'm still desirable in this world.

when i look up the stars or the blue sky, i beg to be on the other side of it all. i would love to truly be apart from the human race, staring down at the great big earth and laugh at how really small it all is, and how this swirling mass of land and ocean really means nothing. i like thinking about that. because then it would give me a great explanation for how i feel now - so unconnected, so completely separate from people.

and i'm going to keep going, you know. keep trying at being a part of this world. because someday i know i'll stop thinking about trying and then i'll just be doing and then i will actually realize that i've been a part of this world the whole time, simply because i've been born in it. simply because i am made of everything this earth is already made of. and all of these rushing people are really just like me, thinking that they're not a part of everyone else too. i know i'll understand this seriously one day, and the understanding will be born not out of speculation and theory, but from real experience.

i just need to get that experience.

i worry, though, that i never will.

am i making any sense at all?

do you understand me?

honey, not vinegar (or, perspective)

it feels good to have this forum here, a place that no one really knows about. i was very honest the other day, and i fear i showed too much of myself where too many people could see. but what does it matter? i keep saying this to myself - that it doesn't matter. because i am human, i am more than just a series of pretty images and pretty words.

so anyways. here are some pretty images and some pretty words.

but they're honest, so take them as you will.

i wanna be honey, not vinegar. i want you to be able to enjoy me, to swallow me down easy.

right now, there's a whole lot of vinegar. and you know what it's like, it's so goddamn sour and stings as you taste it. vinegar comes on so strong - you feel repulsed by it.

and the truth is, there's both honey and vinegar within me. i hate knowing that i'm both.

so what's my new mantra? what's my new string of phrases to make myself feel better? to make it easier to sleep at night?

never lose perspective.

it's everything.

satellite

wake up,
you're getting high on your own supply