when i see huge crowds of people on the street or at that crazy huge supermarket in my town, i cluster them into one entity. i cram them all into one big piece of energy that i am not a part of, nor will ever be a part of. and i feel tremendous relief at not being a part of them - they run around aimlessly, always in a rush and never seeing a thing - but i also feel a great deal of sadness. because i want to be that ignorant, i want to have that wonderful ability to have purpose in the face of absolute pointlessness. i question everything all the time, i slow down to a snail's pace just to study shadows cast by a passing shopping cart. but all of these people, they rush about and they find other people who rush about just like them, they fall in love and make love and have children that continue rushing about for generations to come.
people rush by me all the time. sometimes, i like being completely unnoticed. sometimes, i really love the fact that the world and i are not on the same page. it gives me a sense of uniqueness, a feeling of some special brand of genius.
but other times, i could cry from all of those who pass me by. and with these (mostly unshed) tears comes the angry question of why i need the validation of others to make me feel okay. because i shouldn't, right?
the potential that i know i have nearly kills me from day to day. i keep thinking, "oh if the world could just give me a chance, i could be a wonderful filmmaker, i could be a fantastic travel and portrait photographer, i could be a brilliant writer and poet." but it all falls flat on my insecurity, on my youth, on my inexperience. and i want things to change and i want to change, and i've been taking steps to get there, but it's not happening fast enough, and i'm not seeing results that are satisfying enough.
i've made the jump, i'm going to school solely for art. i broke my parents' hearts by denying medical school and here i am, trying to do this thing. and i'm trying to love myself at the same time, and i broke my own heart this year because i fell in love with a stupid boy that couldn't love me when i wanted to be loved so badly. i realized that i needed to love myself first before anyone could really love me. truly love me. and because i'm having such a hard time loving myself, it breaks everything else down. how could i expect all of these people rushing by to love me when i cannot love myself? and there are some days that i love myself so much i could kiss my own reflection in the mirror. because on those days, i've done something to be proud of. i've done something that really showed me that i'm still good, that i'm still desirable in this world.
when i look up the stars or the blue sky, i beg to be on the other side of it all. i would love to truly be apart from the human race, staring down at the great big earth and laugh at how really small it all is, and how this swirling mass of land and ocean really means nothing. i like thinking about that. because then it would give me a great explanation for how i feel now - so unconnected, so completely separate from people.
and i'm going to keep going, you know. keep trying at being a part of this world. because someday i know i'll stop thinking about trying and then i'll just be doing and then i will actually realize that i've been a part of this world the whole time, simply because i've been born in it. simply because i am made of everything this earth is already made of. and all of these rushing people are really just like me, thinking that they're not a part of everyone else too. i know i'll understand this seriously one day, and the understanding will be born not out of speculation and theory, but from real experience.
i just need to get that experience.
i worry, though, that i never will.
am i making any sense at all?
do you understand me?
